Dora the Dumb Explorer Episode 2
by Gerald Fogg
Summary: Dora and Boots miss the ice cream truck, so they have to chase it down. Rated for violence, sexual references, and language.
1. A Perfectly Beer-Chugging Day

One day, Dora was sitting in a tree with Boots, guzzling hootch.

"Hi, I'm Dora!" she said cheerfully to the preschool viewers watching the show. "You like Budweiser?" There was a long pause, then Dora said, "Me too!"

"Actually," interrupted Boots, "it tastes like gasoline."

"Then drink it!" Dora yelled at Boots, starting to get angry. "Drink The Great American Lager!"

Boots finally obliged and took a sip of Dora's beer. A split-second later though, he did a spit-take , spitting Budweiser right into Dora's face. "Ew!" he whined. "It still tastes like gasoline!"

"No, it doesn't!" Dora narrowed her eyes at Boots, but he kept talking anyway.

"I'm calling the police because you're only a third of the required age to drink that crappy dreck!" he shouted.

Dora just giggled. "Silly Boots! It doesn't taste like crap!" Suddenly, Dora's eyes got all dreamy and "beautiful" harp music began to play in the background. "It tastes like Heaven!"

The harp music stopped abruptly as Boots gave Dora a hard shove, knocking her off the branch and out of the tree. "DAAAAAAH!" she screamed all the way down.

"Now wait until you're 21!" her monkey friend called down from the tree when Dora landed with a _thud_ on the ground.

Nevertheless, Dora managed to empty out her Papi's entire liquor cabinet in one afternoon. After her beerfest, Dora walked back to the tree in her backyard, singing a slurred, somewhat twisted version of her theme song.

"Dora-ora-ora, Boots is slaugh'ered! Whoo-hoo! I got boobs cause I'm a explora-ora. I need your help, now lick my butthole! Let's go..."

Mami came running outside. "Dora, Fat Albert time!" she sang.

"**Jumpin'** **vamanos!**" exclaimed Dora. And with that, she stumbled drunkenly into the house, while Boots followed closely behind.

* * *

Dora and Boots plopped down onto the couch, just as the opening sequence started; Dora was so tipsy, though, that she just had to sing along with the theme song. But the problem, at least for Boots, was that she just WOULDN'T STOP SCREWING IT UP!

(Author's note. The words in PARENTHESES: ( ) is what is being sung on TV by the Fat Albert Gang. The words in BRACKETS: [ ] is what Dora changes in the theme song while she sings along with it.)

[Gay, gay, gay!]

((Fat Albert) It's Faaaat Albert! And I'm gonna...)

[...wear a thong for youuuu!]

((Fat Albert) And Bill's...)

[...hitting the bong, so I am toooo!]

((Fat Albert) You'll have some fun now...)

[...in bed with...]

((Fat Albert) ...all the gang!)

[A-kissing, cuddling, and a-moaning, while we do "the thing!" Na-na-na, talk about a good time! Gay-gay-gay!]

((Bill Cosby) This is Bill Cosby coming at you...)

[...with lots of racy fun...]

((Cosby) ...but if you're not careful...)

[...you might get pregnant before it's done...]

((Cosby) ...so let's get ready, okay?)

[Gay, gay, gay!]

((Fat Albert Gang) Na-na-na!)

[Talk about a good time!]

((Fat Albert Gang) Na-na-na!)

[Talk about a good time!]

((Fat Albert Gang) Na-na-na!)

[Talk about a good tiiiiime!]

The theme song ended and the actual show started up. Coincidentally, it was the episode about the Whiskey Kid. Usually, Boots enjoyed this show. He especially loved the parts where Bill Cosby talked. He liked the things he had to say, and he really appreciated him in this show. But today, he just wasn't digging it. He was getting madder and madder by the second! Then he broke the fourth wall-

"Now, messing around with alcohol is one thing...but making fun of my favorite show is a totally different thing!"

Then, he lost it. He so totally lost it. "THAT'S IT!" he shouted. Then, he threw Dora! He picked her up and threw her, right into a wall! Mami heard the crash and came running from the kitchen. Dora had a really bad nosebleed, and she was very unhappy!

"MOMMY!" she wailed. "Boots gave me a nosebleed! WAAAAH!"

Mami was shocked. "Boots!" she gasped.

"B-but," Boots stuttered. Mami was tapping her foot. Then he finally blurted out, "Dora started it! She made me try Budweiser and then cleaned out the liquor cabinet downstairs!"

"DORA MARQUEZ!" cried Mami. Boots started to get a big smile on his face. He figured Mami was about to explode!

But he was wrong. "Thank you so much!" she hugged her daughter. "Maybe that'll stop Papi's bad drinking habits for good! As for you, Boots... OUT! NOW!"

With a lump in his throat and tears building up in his eyes, Boots trudged outside.

"It's not fair! It was Dora's fault to start with!" he muttered to himself. "Well, I'm never going over there again," he finally decided.

Meanwhile, Dora finally got over her hangover, and, since Boots had gone home, decided to go down to Tico's place.


	2. Meditation

Boots was at home, moping around. Then he heard music. He looked out the window.

"HOLY PISS SH!T IT'S THE ICE CREAM TRUCK!" he said excitedly.

Meanwhile, Dora was on her way to Tico's house and as she passed Boots' house she heard the music too.

"OH MY GAWD I WANT ICE CREAM!" squealed Dora.

Boots ran down the stairs as Dora ran up Boots' sidewalk at the same time. Boots jumped out the door as Dora ran up Boots' porch...

CRASH!

Dora got up off the ground, her arm scraped a bit, and looked at Boots.

"What the hell, Boots?" Dora yelled, now angered.

"Dora Dora Dora Dora..." Boots said very rapidly. He said "Dora" 43 times while jumping up and down until Dora slapped him to stop him.

"What up, Boots?" asked Dora.

"The ice cream truck!" Boots shouted, pointing up.

"Huh?" Dora was puzzled until she actually looked up. Apparently, the ice cream truck had hit a bump in the road, sending it flying. It flew off a cliff, but then kept driving like nothing had happened. It stopped to get some ice cream for a little boy who lived across the street from Boots.

"Anyway, want to see me meditate?" Boots asked. Then he sat on the ground. "OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM!" While he was doing this, the ice cream truck went to another house.

"Boots..." Dora was annoyed.

"What?"

"STOP! I can meditate far better than you! Om - "

"No you can't."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"Uh, Dora?"

"Yes I can!"

"Dora..."

"Yes I can!"

"DORA..."

"Yes...I...CAN! Shaddap!" She sat on the ground. "OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM..."

As all this happened, the ice cream truck went out of the subdivision and over a hill. Then it disappeared.

"Hey!" shouted Dora. "WE MISSED THE ICE CREAM TRUCK! YOU DUMBASS!"

"I'M the dumbass? You're the - "

"Whatever, Boots. We have to check the map and find out where this truck's going! Will you check it for us? You have to say..."

Meanwhile in the real world, a little boy was flipping through channels and found PBS. He usually liked Martha Speaks (oh, how I hate that dog's grating voice!), which was on right now. It was the very first episode. Truman was at Helen's house. All of a sudden, though, he randomly blurted out:

**"THIS IS SHOUTING!"**

The sound was very sudden and it seemed to come right out of the TV in an attempt to blast the kid's ears out. It did. After that scarring experience, the boy found Dora.

_"You have to say..."_

"DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The boy smashed the TV with a hockey stick, but Dora just seeped through the crack on the television into the boy's family room.

"You can't kill meeeeeeeeee!¡!¡!" said Dora in a voice that sounded like Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget as her eyes flashed red and she transmorphed into a HUGE devil-like creature.

The boy screamed. Dora ripped off his head as he ran around with blood spraying out of his neck.

Then Dora ate his head...

* * *

Dora woke up on the ground. Boots was shaking her shoulder and saying "Dora, Dora," as blood trickled from his ears.

"Huh?" mumbled Dora.

"You fainted after you missed the ice cream truck."

"What's that red stuff coming down your ears?" asked Dora curiously.

"I checked the Map for you. He sang again. And if that wasn't bad enough, he screamed out the obstacles about twenty times. So now my ears are bleeding."

"Oh, God," groaned Dora. "What were the obstacles?"

"He said to take a right and go past the park. You'll know you're there when you see civilians doing community service. Then you go through the friendly animal woods. The trees are very thick there and the branches and leaves can block your path. You might need help getting through there. Then the truck makes its last stop for the day at Coney Island. So you need to get there by 6:00."

Dora glanced at her watch. "But it's 3:30 right now! How many miles is it from here?"

"About 75 miles. You might want to consider riding your tandem bike there with me," said Boots.

Dora, now desperate to get to the ice cream truck before it made its last stop, ran home to get her bike out of the garage.


	3. Crap, Literally

Dora and Boots rode their tandem bike down the road. "Park, forest, Coney Island," they chanted four times.

Boots hopped off the bike and cartwheeled alongside it...that is, until he hit a rock and went soaring into the air!

He landed on Dora's head, startling her and causing her to jerk the handlebars to one side, tipping the bike over.

The bike landed funny, and now the back tire was punctured and the wheel was a lopsided shape.

"Dammit, Boots," said Dora, annoyed, "you made me break the bike. Let's look in Backpack."

But when they opened up Backpack, a really bad smell came out.

"EWWWWWWWWWW!" screamed Dora, Boots, and Backpack.

Dora held her nose and looked inside...

"Crap. Perrito took a crap in Backpack."

"What?!" screamed Backpack. "Yuck!"

"Well, that's what you get for trying to suck on your puppy's penis last night," said Boots. Boots had stayed over for supper last night and had gone home before bedtime.

"That's disgusting," said Backpack.

"Okay, I had a joint or two last night and I got a little high, but I didn't mean to rape my dog!" Dora yelled.

Unfortunately, after they cleaned the s#í+ out of the inside of Backpack and disposed of it, she did not have any air pumps or the like, just some energy bars, and some scotch they could have for a snack on the way to Coney Island.

Dora and Boots ended up traveling on foot to Coney Island.

"Okay, we're at the park," said Boots. "What time is it now?"

"It's already 4:30!" And we still have 64 miles to go! We gotta hurry!" Dora had concern in her voice.

But as they were passing the park, Dora got an idea.

Like Map said, there was a great number of civilians picking up trash in the park. Dora tugged on a man's shoulder. "Hey, you want to hear a joke?" she asked him.

"Sure, so what's the joke?" replied the man.

"You know what goes good with doing community service?"

"No, what?"

"DEATH!¡!"

"Wha...?"

Before he could say anything else, Dora swiftly grabbed the stick he was using to pick up litter and stabbed him in the chest with it. Blood went everywhere and the man collapsed, dead. Dora then proceeded to pull out his heart, cremate his body, roast the heart on the stick in the fire like when you're camping, and eat it.

"Mmm, this tastes like chicken!" she exclaimed, rubbing her tummy.

"I want some," whined Boots like a little bitch.

Dora was about to give Boots a bite when there was a click and Dora and Boots realized their arms were in cuffs!

"You two are under arrest," they heard a policeman say. "We got a call saying a little girl and a monkey stabbed a civilian in the heart."

"But I didn't do anything!" Boots said, tears of fright welling in his monkey eyes.

"You must have been this little child's accomplice," said the other policeman.

"But I wanted ice cream!" sobbed Boots, now in tears.

"You'll get something better than ice cream. The nearest police station is miles away from here, so you get a ride in a police chopper.

Boots, being an idiot, stopped crying and screamed, "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

So the cops walked them to the helicopter and off they went.


	4. Of Parachutes and Diahrrea

Dora and Boots were in a police helicopter. They were going to jail for murder!

The nearest jail was miles away from where they lived. They had a village sheriff and two cops, but oddly, no jail. Since Dora and Boots lived in a town in the Mexican jungles and there were very little people living there, the nearest jail was around 100 miles away.

But Dora and Boots needed to get ice cream before the truck got to Coney Island.

The police were talking into their walkie-talkies.

"We have a little grade schooler and her pet monkey being perverts and they stabbed an innocent civilian for his heart. The reason for said crime, know not shall we. Over."

"We have a special cell waiting for them at the detention center. Over."

As they were communicating with the Monterrey prison, Dora and Boots were communicating, too.

"Aren't you so pissed off right now?" Boots asked Dora.

"Yes, very," growled Dora. She saw the forest come into view down below. "Uh-oh."

Then she jumped out of the plane.

"Wait!" called Boots. "You need a parachute!"

"I think I have one in my backpack."

Dora fell through a cloud mid-sentence, so Boots thought Dora said something besides "backpack."

"What!? You have a parachute in your 'happy sack?'" Boots gagged. "That's grossssssss!"

But by now, Dora had disappeared in the clouds.

"I'm so glad my parents made you a parachute backpack!"

"Yeah, me too!" agreed Backpack.

Dora pulled the string on the side of Backpack and a parachute came out. Unfortunately for Boots, Dora pulled so hard she pulled open Backpack herself, too. So, the two energy bars and the bottle of scotch flew out. Music started up and the contents of Backpack tried to circle around her.

But they were falling so fast, that the music got all distorted in the sky, making it sound weird. And instead of rotating around Backpack, the energy bars and Scotch flew straight up!

Boots was still looking down out the door in the chopper when all the stuff hit him in the face and knocked him out of the helicopter. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH +#$&!" he screamed, but the wind was flapping his cheeks, so it sounded more like "A-A-A-A-AA-A-A-H-SHEET!"

Boots eventually felt himself land, and when he opened his eyes he saw a skull with a knife going through it making little cracks in it staring right him. Boots screamed again.

"Hey, Boots. Sorry, my dad made that parachute," apologized Dora.

He wasn't surprised because Enrique is a serial killer.

The parachute landed in what looked like a river made entirely out of liquid chocolate! Everything surrounding it was smothered in chocolate, too!

"Ooh, I remember this place the _last _time we chased down the ice cream truck!" said Dora happily as they began to eat the river.

Then their faces turned weird colors.

"I don't feel so good," groaned Boots.

"Let's use that chocolate boat to cross the river so we can get our ice cream and go home then!" suggested a very impatient Dora who -

psst psst

What the hell?

psst psst psst

Alright, whoever you are, stop it so I can keep writing!

snicker psst psst psst

Alright, show yourself! I demand you show yourself!¡!¡!

An orange and yellow fox with a mask and gloves appeared.

"SWIPER!" the chocolate covered duo shouted in unison.

"Hahaahahahah!" laughed Swiper. "That's diahrrea you're sitting in and eating! Hehehhaheeheeha!"

That's when they realized the smell. "AH F**K A DUCK!" Boots shouted. "You Jewish kike...Jew!"

"Since when is Swiper a Jewish kike?" Dora wanted to know.

"He had a Bar Mitzvah party last month," Boots reminded her.

"Oh. But Swiper, what we're you thinking when you s#at in the river?"

"I sold my toilet...for...THIS MASK AND THESE GLOVES!" Then Swiper the asshole began to start crying...Well more like bawling, like a little baby.

"For being such morons, and for using such dirty words, I am taking your only need of transportation," a voice came from heaven. Then a giant hand came out of the sky.

"God, no..."

Too late.

"...swiping."

"You're toooooo late!" boomed God as he snapped the chocolate boat in half. He tossed the pieces away. "Ahahaha!" he laughed maniacally as it thundered and lightning flashed in the sky.

A diahrrea-covered Dora and a diahrrea-covereded Boots walked out of the river; they had to bathe in a waterfall. Unfortunately for Dora, Boots got aroused by Dora's curvy figure, and he raped her.

"HELP ME! HELP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Dora dried off and put her clothes back on, and they found the forest again.

They were walking through the forest, and bunnies were helping them on their journey. The forest was getting very thick, and branches were hitting her in the face as she stepped through poison oak. Dora cussed under her breath. Boots virtually had no problem getting through the woods as he could just swing from the branches.

But Dora was going insane!

"Hey, jackhole," Dora hissed through clenched teeth to a moose eating grass.

The moose ran over and bit Dora's ass for being rude and not introducing herself properly.

That did it.

Without thinking first, Dora pulled out a lighter and flicked it. Then she held the flame to a tree branch, and it caught fire...


	5. Dora's Killing Spree

As the fire spread, Dora, in her deranged homicidal state, decided to kill off the residents of the forest.

"Dora, don't...!" warned Boots.

Dora ignored him and raised her weapons.

First she wanted to kill off that goddamn moose. She was about to charge at him with a meat grinder when she tripped over a purple squirrel (possibly a relative of Tico) gathering nuts.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Did you trip me up?" the Latinó girl questioned the squirrel. "I'm questioning you! SO DID YOU!?"

The squirrel was too afraid to talk. It couldn't anyway - it lacked human vocal cords. Tico was the only one who could speak in his family. So it just stood there, acorn between its paws, shivering, as tears were gathering in its eyes. Dora noticed this.

"Don't you go crying on me!" barked Dora, pointing at the squirrel.

Too late. The tears were already spilling out of its eyes and dripping down its cheeks.

"THAT'S IT!" snapped Dora.

Dora cocked her AK-47. The squirrel dropped the acorn and ran off.

"Oh, no, you don't!" she yelled, running after the squirrel.

The squirrel ran up a tree into a hole. "Still aren't cooperating, aren't you?" Dora held her gun inside the hole, and waited for the squirrel to pop out. Then, when it decided to see if the maniac was gone, it got shot in the face by Dora!...It was sort of like Whac-a-Mole!

A montage of Dora murdering and blowing up forest animals followed.

Soon, all the forest animals were taken care of and DEAD, the moose was processed into hamburger by Dora's portable meat grinder so they could have moose burgers tonight, and the whole forest had been reduced to to a new obstacle, called: Ash Mountain!

Dora and Boots opened a door in a pile of ash and walked out. Then the door disintegrated.

"That montage was a waste of time!" complained Boots.

"Well, at least we got all our meals taken care of for at least a few days." Dora clasped her hands together to get the dirt and ash off of them.

"What time is it now?" Boots could see Coney Island over a hill.

"HOLY CRAP! IT'S THREE MINUTES TILL SIX!" screamed Dora after checking her watch. Then she passed out.

* * *

Dora opened her eyes. All she saw was blue.

She could hear someone calling for her, calling her name.

"Dora. Dora."

_Am I dead? _wondered Dora.

Then a hand reached out and grabbed her hand.

_Is this the Lord coming for me? But where's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Aren't they supposed to come down the street first?_

A giant head came out of NOWHERE!

Dora screamed. "No! I'm not ready to die! Stop!" she cried.

"Dora, it's just me, your best friend Boots!" the head reassured Dora.

"Where are we?" asked Dora.

"Coney Island. I had to drag you here because you were out cold!"

Dora looked around. All she saw was giant ice cream cones of every flavor!

"Then where in the deep fried hell are the _AMUSEMENT PARK RIDES?!" _she shouted.

"That Coney Island is in the northeast United States, Dora. Look, there's the truck!"

The ice cream truck was rolling over the hill, playing its jingly tune.

"HURRY!" yelled Dora.

"I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!" they chanted as they ran after the truck.

Val the Octopus was almost done for the day. She just needed to park the truck in the ice cream factory parking lot for the night. Then she saw a child and her monkey chasing her truck in the rearview mirror.

**"I scream, you scream, WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!"**

Val smiled and slowed down to let the kids catch up to her.

"All right, guys, what'll it be?" She asked.

Dora wanted a chocolate cone and Boots wanted a strawberry cone. They both yelled out their flavors.

"All right, that will be sixteen coins for both of your cones," said Val.

Dora sighed and pulled out Backpack. But when she reached in the pocket, she only had fourteen coins! So she gave Boots his eight coins and decided she'd do some negotiating with the ice cream lady.

"Um, can you give me a 25% discount since I'm so pretty? Boots is hairy and ugly! And we spent all afternoon traveling 75 miles chasing your truck for some ice cream!"

"Sorry, ma'am, but you have to pay full price, and negotiation only works when you're buying houses," explained Val.

"I got a bomb with grenades tied to it!" threatened Dora.

"Pay your eight coins or no ice cream, young lady!" Val was now getting very angry.

But all that anger went away and got replaced by apprehension and fright when Dora unveiled her explosives. Dora set her bomb for ten seconds and pulled the pins from the grenades. Then she threw the bomb into the truck.

Boots was too busy mindlessly licking his strawberry ice cream cone to notice all this. So Dora grabbed him and they ran off as fast as they could. The truck exploded and Val's corpse went flying into the air!

"Now give me some ice cream, Val, or it'll go 'BOOM' again!"

Val didn't respond because she died in the explosion.

"Dora, I think all the ice cream in the truck has melted!" said Boots.

"But it's not fair! I wanted some!" whined Dora.

"Dora, there's HUGE ice cream cones you can eat right here!"

Of course, Dora was too stupid to turn around and look! "WHERE?!" she screamed in frustration.

Boots picked her friend up and turned her around. "RIGHT HERE!"

"But they aren't edible!" whined the slutty bitch again.

"Yes they are! It's real ice cream!" Boots climbed up a big cone and began to eat it. "See, it's real!"

Of course, Dora didn't listen. "It is not!" she screamed.

Then, Dora realized she forgot there was one more life she needed to end today. Hers!

"It's not fair! Hmph!" were her last words before she committed suicide by choking herself on a tree branch, and ultimately, hanging herself on the tree!

"Oh, well, that's the end of our show. What did you like about it?" Boots said, climbing down the cone satisfied.

In the real world, the victim of decapitation from chapter 2's sister was watching the show, chowing down on her brother's flesh.

"I liked it when Dora died, JACKASS!" said the girl.

"I'm the jackass? You're the...um, well, I mean, that is...oh, yeah. Me too!" said Boots. "Thanks for helping, we couldn't have made it here without you. Roll the credits!"


End file.
